How well do you do with forgiveness? Are you easily able to forgive others? Are you easily able to accept forgiveness when offered? And maybe most importantly, are you able to forgive yourself?
This is the first part of a three part series that I am writing on Forgiveness.
According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary:
Forgive
To give up resentment of or claim to requital for <forgive an insult>
To grant relief from payment of <forgive a debt>
To cease to feel resentment against (an offender)
Giving Forgiveness……….
None of these is as easy as they sound for many of us. Yes, we might say I forgive people for the wrongs they do to me. But do you really do it? What are the first things that pop into your mind when you think about this? Forgiving your spouse for the argument the two of you had? Forgiving your children when they do something wrong? Forgiving your co-worker for taking credit for something you did the work on? I am sure I could list many other things that happen in our lives which are obvious just as I am sure you could, also.
But what about the things that are not so obvious. How about the driver of the car that cuts you off while they are talking on the cell phone. Maybe the person behind you on the freeway/expressway that rides your bumper because they want to go 80mph instead of the speed limit which you are doing. Or the person in the restaurant who just can’t seem to put their phone down and talks loud enough that you can hear every bit of the discussion. Or do you get upset and think and say what a jerk that person is because they are being rude and inconsiderate. And maybe they are. But don’t they deserve your forgiveness also?
Maybe these are just minor examples of things in our day to day lives and you might say Why Should I Forgive Them For Being Inconsiderate.
There are more major examples too. I have seen many times in the news where a drunk driver hit another car and severely injured or killed someone. The family of the person injured or killed then stands up in court and makes a statement that includes forgiving the person. I cannot think of a more difficult thing to do. The anger and the hurt of something of this degree in unimaginable to many of us. Yet these people manage to get past the anger and forgive the person for what they have done.
Maybe you are one of those that think forgiveness has to be earned. If you think that, I wonder if you do not understand what forgiveness is. If you are one of these, I would say to you that trust has to be earned, but forgiveness is something you give freely.
We are taught by Jesus that we are to forgive those who trespass against us. In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus says:
For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father also will forgive you; but if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
As I have looked back over my life, I see many instances where I held grudges in anger and refused to forgive a person for the wrong they have done me or others. It took me many years to realize that I need to forgive them no matter how they trespassed against me. As I write this, I think back to two examples of people it took me a very long time to forgive. The first is the man who murdered my brother. I was angry and hurt for a very long time. It devastated my mother. Years later, I called the prison system to see what had happened to him and found that he had died in prison of aids. It was not easy to forgive him, but in the end I did. The second is my mother’s business partner. My mother had a brain tumor which finally was bad enough she could no longer work. The two of them had been close friends for many, many years. When she got to the point she could no longer participate in the business, he not only had nothing to do with her anymore, he also did not share any profits from the business with her. He literally put her out of his life. Again, it took many years for me to forgive him for the hurt he caused my mother by doing this, but I did. That doesn’t mean it was easy.
Today, I still get upset when someone on a cell phone cuts me off on the highway, or almost hits me. And the person riding my bumper because I am not going fast enough for them and they can’t get around me, makes me angry knowing that there is no reason for it. Then I stop and think. And I forgive them.
What do you do?
What forgiveness is not:
Forgiveness is not saying that things are okay now, and then going back into an abusive situation.
Forgiveness is not letting someone off the hook by saying, “You didn’t do anything wrong.”
Forgiveness is not unconditional love with no boundaries or accountability.
Forgiveness is not denial that a hurtful situation exists, and it isn’t denying the fact that your feelings are hurt.
Forgiveness does not mean you accept the person’s behavior.
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